unsteady
by veritas-always
Summary: 'They'll be fine. This isn't permanent. She won't let it be, and she wants to believe he won't either. Kate leaves their home without another word, just a final slam of the door.' For #CastleFanficMonday.
1. prologue

_if you love me, don't let go  
_ _hold, hold on, hold onto me  
_ _'_ _cause I'm a little unsteady  
_ _a little unsteady  
_ _\- x ambassadors_

* * *

Kate's nestled on the couch in her husband's office reading a book, cradling a glass of wine in her free hand, when she hears the front door open and close. She stands and pads her way out into the living room, lit only by the oven light in the kitchen, and she finds Rick slipping off his shoes by the front door.

"Hey," she says.

He jumps, eyes flashing to hers.

"Jesus," he mutters. "I thought you would still be at work."

"And I thought you would be home, oh, I don't know." Kate glances down at her father's watch. "Three hours ago."

"There was a thunderstorm. Flight got delayed." Barely paying her a glance, he walks straight past her into the kitchen.

She fights a sigh, finds herself - not for the first time - missing the normalcy they used to share. They've been so off-kilter recently, unlike it has ever been before. He's never been as closed-off and distant from her as he has been these past two months. She feels like she's staring at him behind a glass wall, can't even reach him anymore, and she wanted to spend tonight trying to fill this foreign gap that's been pushing them further apart from one another.

"Thanks for informing me," she bites. "I made dinner for you, thought maybe we could spend some time together, but never mind that idea. Leftovers are in the fridge."

She begins to turn around and make her way back into the office, doesn't want to deal with him right now, but the crack of a glass landing hard on the counter makes her jump. Kate spins, finds her husband glaring at her, and if he didn't look so damn _angry_ with her she would make a joke about how she's surprised there isn't smoke blowing out of his ears.

"If I'm not mistaken, I'm not the only one who's late coming home."

"You could have called," she defends, before she can think better of it because she _knows_ she's fighting fire with fire.

Rick laughs dryly, voice taking a venomous turn. "Right. I'm the only one who has to call when I'm going to be late, but Captain Beckett gets to come in and out whenever she chooses."

"Rick, you know how I get when I'm working-"

"Is that what you're doing? _Working_?"

"What the hell does that mean?" she snaps, voice low.

"I don't know, Kate. I just recall Gates never working as many hours as you do when she was Captain. _You're_ the former detective. You tell me."

"What in the-" she stops, eyes going wide, staring at him. "You think I'm seeing someone else."

It isn't a question.

A lump forms in her throat and she has to blink back the tears, doesn't know if she can fight with him anymore, especially not when he doesn't even trust her commitment to him. He just stares blankly at her in response, vexation making his breathing ragged, and she knows that is _exactly_ what he thinks.

"Are you out of your mind?" she seethes. "You know me, Rick. I would never-"

"Wouldn't you? I've been gone a lot. When I am home, you're still working long hours. I've barely touched you in months. Remember when we couldn't even keep our hands off of each other? Is it really _that_ deranged of a theory?"

She clenches her fists tight, lets her nails dig crescents into her skin, has to refrain from grabbing his shoulders and shaking some _sense_ into him. She never knew that's what he thought and it washes over her like ice water.

"You're my _husband_. I made a promise to you. For better or worse, the time of our lives. I have never even _thought_ about cheating on you." She pauses, and then, because she wants him to hurt just as much as he's hurting her, "God, I could actually say the same about you. I'm sure your loyal fans are just dying to make it onto your list of ex-lovers. Who's to say you haven't slept with some here and there on all these stupid tours you've been going on? Who the hell _are_ you anymore, Rick?"

" _Me_? What about you, Kate? When the hell did your job become more important than all of the other factors in your life? When did it become more important than us?"

She's nearly trembling with the weight of what they've become. She never imagined they would fight so much, rip their marriage apart with such a reckless abandon.

"It's not more-"

"It's not? Then why-"

"I can't do this anymore," she cuts him off, turning away from him, from his harsh words and ferocious looks. She goes to their bedroom, pulling a duffel bag from the top shelf of their closet, finding clothes for the next few days and shoving them in it while she tries to hold back the tears threatening to break free.

"What are you doing?" his voice comes from behind her, but she just pushes past him, throwing the bag onto their bed on her way to their bathroom to grab necessary toiletries. "Kate."

"I'm leaving. I can't fight with you anymore, Rick. I can't do it."

Her voice breaks and she sucks in a deep breath, swallowing roughly against the lump in her throat. She hates this, hates fighting with him, but it's all they do. All they know how to do anymore, and it's pressing down on her, suffocating her and she just needs _air_.

"What do you mean you're leaving?"

"I don't know right now. All I know is that I can't keep going in circles with you."

"Oh, this is just classic Kate, running away from the problem," he mumbles, dragging his fingers through his hair.

"See, that right there is what I mean," she snaps, finally looking him in the eye, doesn't even try to hide the wet trails streaming down her cheeks. She's hurt and she misses _them._ "The man I married would never use the past against me like that. That hasn't been me in _years_ and you know it _._ I love you, I do, but I just cannot deal with this anymore."

"Where are you going to go?"

"My dad's or Lanie's. I'll figure it out."

"And when you run out of clothes?"

He crosses his arms, eyes following her as she puts the last of her things in the duffel bag, zipping it shut. The sound cuts through the room, slices her heart a little bit more.

"I'll come back and get more."

He just stares at her, a little hurt but mostly angry, and part of her expects, even _hopes_ , that he'll fight for her to stay, to work it out this time.

He doesn't.

He turns and walks out of their bedroom, shoulders slumped, tired of fighting, she presumes. She knows the feeling, tries to ignore the heavy weight that is dragging her heart down anyways.

Her eyes roam over their bedroom once more, just to make sure she has everything she'll need for now, but they get caught on the happy memories that clutter the space in the most perfect way. The shells they gathered on their very first trip to the Hamptons that he has displayed on the wall, or the picture on his bedside table of her from their wedding day. Her lip trembles, but she drags in a sharp breath. They'll be _fine._ This isn't permanent.

She won't let it be, and she wants to believe he won't either.

She leaves their home without another word, just a final slam of the door.

* * *

 _Trust me and stick with me, that's all I have to say. We all want the same happy ending._

 _Feedback is seriously encouraged and welcome. I would love to know your thoughts. Thank you for reading._

 _tumblr: veritas-always  
twitter: xveritasalways_


	2. chapter one

Rick is sitting in a booth at the Old Haunt waiting for Ryan and Esposito to show up for a little bonding time, which was his idea. He really needed to get out of his empty home, and he hasn't seen the guys much since Kate became Captain. Just when the whole group gets together, but their schedules are all extremely conflicting anyways, so it's rare. Rick avoided the booth in the back corner, the round one with so many memories of he and Kate and their tight-knit little family gathered around for drinks and laughter to forget the harsh workdays they constantly battled.

It's been over a week since Kate packed her bag and walked out the door. He hasn't spoken to her, really has no idea what to say. He knows this isn't what she wants. He could see it in her eyes when they fought, pleading with him to tell her not to go. He misses her. It rips through him every morning when he wakes up alone, reaching for her across the sheets in that split-second that his brain isn't fully awake, before he remembers that she's not there.

She hasn't been there a lot recently, and neither has he. They've both been terrible towards one another, putting everything else higher up on their priority lists until they couldn't even see each other among the whirlwind that is their lives. He hates it, hates that he made her think he didn't trust her, hates that she felt like he wasn't there for her.

He doesn't blame her, he blames himself more, and Rick knows she's stuck in the same boat. They're too stubborn for their own good, have always had these issues. They let the other off the hook too easily, never really holding each other accountable for their mistakes, which is why they have been suppressing so many of their emotions for too long. Not seeing each other much lately has made it easy for that to happen, but now with zero contact, he's completely aware how badly they've both screwed up.

He feels a breeze when the door to his bar swings open, glances through the weeknight crowd to find Ryan and Esposito walking towards him. The boys give him a friendly hug each, sliding into the booth while he waves some drinks over to their table.

"How are you, man?" Esposito asks him.

"I've been better," Rick replies honestly, shrugging nonchalantly as if his heart isn't constantly sending a crippling pain through his chest.

"You talk to Beckett at all?" Ryan asks. Esposito slaps him on the back of the head, glaring at him. It almost makes Rick smile, glad that while everything else in his life has morphed into something completely unfamiliar, his two best friends have remained the same.

"No." He pauses. "How'd you know?"

"Lanie," Esposito admits with apologetic eyes. It's okay. He figured Kate would confide in Lanie anyways.

"How is she?"

"About as miserable as you look," Esposito blurts disapprovingly. Rick manages to choke out a laugh, glad that they're not sugarcoating anything tonight. He doesn't need sympathy and moping.

"I don't know what to do," he says quietly.

"You're not thinking about divorce… are you?" Ryan asks hesitantly, almost afraid to bring up the subject like people are afraid to talk about death.

Rick doesn't hesitate to answer. "No. Of course not."

"Good," the Irish detective breathes. "Don't want to see either of you go through that."

"Me neither," Esposito agrees. "You know, calling her would be a good first step."

"And if she's not ready to talk to me?"

"Aren't you ready to talk to her?"

"Of course," he says a little too defensively.

"Then chances are, she's probably ready to talk to you too. I get that you two haven't been great lately, but avoiding one another isn't going to fix anything. Beckett distances herself from everyone besides you, and now she doesn't even have that."

"She _does_ have me," he cuts in, because he's still her husband, whether their marriage is rocky or not.

"Okay, she does," Esposito concedes. "Point is, she misses you just as much as you miss her. Call her."

Both detectives nod when he agrees to call Kate, satisfied for now, then they change the subject to their latest Castle-esque case to get his mind off of her, if only for a little while.

* * *

When Rick gets home later that night, he crawls straight into bed, unlocking his phone, squinting against the bright screen. He goes to his pictures, finds his album labeled _KB_ and scrolls through some of his happiest memories with his wife.

There's the one of she and Alexis laughing beside him on their beach towels in the Hamptons. In the photo, Kate's sunglasses are pushed high up on her head, thick curls cascading down her back, still damp from the saltwater. Her eyes are so bright, filled with a freedom that Rick knows he's the reason for. He swipes his thumb across the screen, and the next photo is the one Lanie took at their small first anniversary party with Kate burying her grinning face into his chest, hand over her mouth trying to contain her laughter. He's smiling down at her, his own laugh lines crinkling the edges of his eyes. They look ridiculously and stupidly in love.

Misery curls around him, gripping his heart tightly, but he swipes the screen again, distracts himself from dwelling on how they used to be. Her father took this picture of them at Rick's New Year's Eve party last year. One of his hands are tangled in her hair, the other encasing her waist to keep her from falling out of his arms as he dips her under the mistletoe. She's laughing against his mouth, and he can hear it clear as day in their dark and lonely bedroom right now. She was stunning that night in her tight black sequined dress, her wedding rings sparkling under all of the twinkling lights strung about the loft. He would give anything to see her that happy again.

Rick thinks about what Ryan told him when they were leaving the bar.

 _"_ _Don't wait so long that you both forget what you're waiting for in the first place."_

He won't wait. He'll call her tomorrow, and they will figure this out.

He drops his phone on the other side of the bed, _her_ side, and rolls over to face the wall. He thinks if he breathes slowly enough, calms his aching heart rate down, he can almost pretend she's here, curled up beside him where she belongs.

* * *

 _I was so blown away by the response and support this story has received. I know some of you are wary about this, but seriously. Real people have real problems. I've seen it firsthand. Doesn't mean they love one another less. A majority of you are excited to go on this journey with me, and for that I am so grateful._

 _Your reviews never go unnoticed. The questions, concerns, they've all helped me make this story better. Thank you._


	3. chapter two

Kate's alternating between paperwork and staring at her cell phone. Her dad sat her down last night, made her really delve deep into what's been going on with her marriage. He told her about one of the worst fights he and Johanna had before Kate was born. He had walked out on Johanna, but couldn't stay away for long. Jim assured his daughter that just because she left Rick that night, and things are hard right now, it doesn't mean that they won't make it.

The one thing that made Kate really believe her father's reassurances that everything will be okay was when he told her that she and Rick remind him of his own marriage. He and her mother loved one another so deeply, Kate often found herself wondering if she would ever find a love that strong. And she thought she had found that with Rick, until these last two months occurred. Talking to her dad, however, just reaffirmed that these things happen to even the happiest couples, and she and Rick can and _will_ get back to how they were.

But in order for that to happen, one of them has to make the first move to begin repairing their relationship. She wants to be that one, wants to show him that even though she left, she will always come back to him. That thought alone has her reaching for her phone, finding her husband's contact easily.

She sucks in a calming breath, listens as the line rings twice before she hears it click and then silence for a second before his voice floods her ears. She knew she missed him, but hearing his voice on the other line, she's flooded with it. God, it's only been less than two weeks. She's certain that she wouldn't survive leaving for good. No way. Not even an option.

"Hello?" His voice sounds small, a little bit hesitant. The speech Kate had recounted over and over in her head vanishes.

"Rick," she says, all she thinks to say, voice rough with emotion. She's still caught off guard at how one person can have so much control over her fragile emotions.

"Kate. Hi."

His voice warms her insides, slowly putting her pieces back together.

"Can we meet for lunch?" she asks.

"Of course," he tells her, voice taking on a slightly defensive lilt. Usually she would just tell him that she has a free lunch and where to meet her, no hesitance or worry that he might say no. Rick seems hurt that she thinks there was a possibility he would deny her his time.

"Okay. Okay, good. How does tomorrow sound?"

"Tomorrow's perfect," he affirms.

"Alright." She nods, even though he can't see her, setting the plan in stone. "I'll see you tomorrow. How about that little cafe close to home? With the good dip."

"That sounds perfect, Kate."

"Okay. Great. I'll meet you there at noon."

He hangs up, and then she's hit with the sinking realization that they didn't say _I love you_ , and they haven't in a while, but she was too preoccupied with everything else to give it any thought. Kate drops her head into her hands, letting out a long sigh, shoulders slumping with the weight of the mess they've put themselves in.

They'll get there. She knows it.

* * *

Kate tugs on the door to the restaurant, eyes finding his striking blue ones through the crowd within seconds. She shoots him a small, tentative smile. He returns it, watching her weave her way in and out of the tables to get to him.

"Hi," she says, sliding into the seat across from him, dropping her purse onto the cushion beside her. Her favorite t-shirt of his stretches alluringly across his biceps, soft navy fabric calling her name. She misses the days when she would come home and curl into his lap, snuggling her face into his chest, his warm scent relaxing her more than even her beloved bubble baths.

"Hey," he replies. His soft voice breaks her reminiscing, and she forces her eyes to his, instead of admiring his chest.

The waitress chooses that moment to approach their table, taking their drink orders before Kate can bring up why she's here, but it's okay. She needs to gather her scattered thoughts. They spend the next four minutes in silence, studying their menus, until the waitress comes back with their drinks and takes their orders, promising them their food will be out shortly. Kate plucks a chip out of the basket in the middle of the table and scoops some dip onto it, flashing him a grateful smile for being proactive and ordering her favorite appetizer.

"How are you?" he asks.

"I've been better," she replies, popping part of the chip into her mouth.

He chuckles. "That's what I told Ryan and Esposito the other night."

"You saw them?" she queries.

"Yeah. We went to the Old Haunt on Monday."

"They didn't tell me," she admits, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth, nibbling on it.

"I didn't expect them to," he says honestly.

He brings up the case the boys told him about, wants to get on neutral grounds before they delve further into the heavy stuff. When the waitress brings their lunches out ten minutes later, the conversation lulls as they eat.

"So…" Rick hedges, fiddling with his napkin halfway through their meal.

She wipes her mouth with her own napkin, drawing in a breath while she tries to figure out how to say what needs to be said. He ducks his eyes, a sudden darkness overtaking him, and all she wants is to make it go away, doesn't want this to be their relationship anymore. She is so tired of the dark.

"I miss you. And I want to come home." Startled eyes meet hers. "I don't want to ignore everything that's happened," she continues. "I'm not saying forget it all. I'm saying that you're my husband, and we need to be together to be able to figure things out. We _will_ fix it. I know things haven't been great, but I love you, and I want to come home."

The waitress comes then, cutting them off and handing him the check. He gives her his card, then turns back to his wife.

"I was going to call you," he tells her. "I had my phone in my hand when you called me."

She huffs out a laugh, finds it a little bit funny that they're still so in sync, even after all this time. His hand finds hers on the surface of the table, twining their fingers and giving them a squeeze.

"Nothing's stopping you from coming home, Kate. Certainly not me."

She sighs in relief, flips her hand over to tangle her fingers with his. The waitress comes back with his card and he signs the receipt before sliding out of his side of the booth, pulling Kate up along with him. They leave the restaurant together, hands still locked. Her heart is chanting, so pleased to have his sturdy presence beside her.

She isn't naive, knows that they have a lot of work ahead of them, but this is a start.

"How'd you get here?" she asks when they're outside.

"Took a cab."

"Okay. I'll drive you home." Using their linked hands, she pulls them to her car.

When she climbs in beside him, she sees a phantom smile on his lips. It doesn't go away the entire ride and her heart swells, because for the first time in a long time he's happy because of her. They reach their building in only ten minutes. He unbuckles his seatbelt, then turns to her, bright eyes shuttering a little with uncertainty.

"I'll see you tonight?"

She nods in assurance, snagging his hand.

"Rick?" she says gingerly before he can go. "I don't want you to blame yourself for all of this, okay? We're both at fault for a lot of things. So just- don't spend the day beating yourself up over everything that's happened. Enough of that. I want us to move forward. Together."

He reaches out, brushing a stay hair out of her face, giving her a sweet smile. He really looks like he could weep with joy right now, but instead he simply dusts a feather-light kiss against her cheekbone, exiting her car so she can get back to work. She can't help the smile that stretches across her face, the muscles tense with such little use lately. But now she has a reason to smile.

She's going home tonight.

* * *

 _I don't have any words to describe the overwhelming support you all have expressed towards this story. I appreciate you standing by me and trusting me to make things okay for these two. The journey is not yet over. There's plenty more to come. I just wanted to show my gratitude towards each and every one of you._

 _Your reviews, even the guest ones, make me smile._


	4. chapter three

Kate unlocks the front door to the loft, nudging it open, catches a glimpse of Rick in the kitchen hovering over a steaming pot on the stove.

"Hey," she greets, sliding onto a barstool, voice quiet with the timidness she suddenly can't shake off. Being apart for nine days, not speaking to one another at all… things are a little awkward now that she's home.

"Hi," he says, tossing her a smile. "I made dinner."

"I smell that," she tells him, heart bursting with gratitude. "Thank you."

"Of course," he replies nonchalantly, even when he knows she's thanking him for more than just dinner. "It's about done, if you want to get the table ready?"

They fall into their routine then, Kate pouring the wine and gathering the silverware while Rick plates their food. There's no anger, nobody walking around with a scowl on their face, but still. Things aren't really back to normal either.

When she sits catty-corner to him at the dinner table and takes her first bite, she sighs in bliss.

"Good?" he asks, twirling pasta onto his fork. She nods, smiling softly around her fork.

It feels like they are on their first date. That's the only description she has for this sweet hesitance that has enveloped them. They make small talk mostly, sipping gingerly at their wine, just enjoying the company. They haven't done this, had a simple dinner together without any underlying tension, in a while.

Kate rises first, so he follows, helping her clear the table. She fills the dishwasher while he finds space for leftovers in the fridge. She's missed their domesticity. They're so good at doing literally everything together, it's relieving to be back in the groove of things. Somewhat. The air is still stiff with everything they've yet to talk about, but it won't deter them. They'll find their way back to where they used to be, even if it takes a little bit of time, and a lot of effort.

She can feel his eyes on her while she puts the last of the dishes into the dishwasher, kicking it shut with her foot when she's done. He grabs the wine bottle, lifting it in question, topping off their glasses when she gives him a nod.

Rick leads them to the couch, handing his wife her glass of wine before turning on the TV. Kate plops down beside him, but doesn't make a move to curl up against the heat of his body. She isn't sure what's too much, too soon right now. He seems happy to have her here, but she can feel his uncertainty rolling off of him in waves.

They've only been watching TV for ten minutes when Kate grabs the remote and mutes the volume. He cranes his neck to look at her, watches her pull her knees up onto the cushions, angling her body towards his own. Her eyes trip over his face, studying him, but he shies away from her scrutiny.

"I was thinking…" she begins, waiting for him to lift his tentative eyes back to hers. "Maybe we could try getting a session in with Dr. Burke."

"Why?" he blurts, watches her olive irises dim a little. He chastises himself, doesn't want her to believe that he's against anything that could potentially help their deteriorating marriage. His hand slides over her patella, smoothing out the crease in her dress pants. That seems to ease her fears that he's going to refuse her suggestion, because she relaxes under his touch, getting more comfortable.

"Our communication skills clearly lack. Every time we've tried to talk these past couple months, we've only fought. I'm not suggesting that we can't talk without fighting. We just- we lost our way somehow and-"

"And you think it'd be better if we had a mediator," he finishes for her.

She shrugs. "Yeah. Of sorts."

"I think that's a good idea. I understand what you're saying, Kate. It might help to be able to have someone there to translate what we are trying to tell each other. I want to be able to understand where you're coming from, and vice versa. It's hard to do that when all we've been doing is yelling at each other."

Her eyes are alight with a newfound hope, slender fingers brushing over his knuckles. She nods, smiling in delight. He always has the words that she can't seem to find. Just another reminder of why they fit together without flaw.

"I can call and make the appointment tomorrow. We can try it once, see how it goes. Doesn't have to be a permanent thing, I just- it doesn't hurt to try it at least once. Is there any day that won't work for you?" she inquires. He shakes his head no, feels his own optimism bubbling up.

"Thank you," Kate murmurs a minute later, after they've turned the volume on the television back up. He looks down at her, shoulders smushed together, her lithe frame angled close to his.

"For?"

"Giving therapy a chance. Being willing to fix things even after I walked out."

He can't tell her that it's okay that she left him that night, can't bring himself to try and take away her guilt for it. If he spends too much time thinking about the finality of their last fight his heart beats a little harder in his chest, robbing him of air, paralyzing him. He really wasn't sure if their relationship was going to bounce back from that. Still sometimes wonders if they can make it out of this rut completely whole.

But she is here, and they are on the same page in the matter of moving forward together. He shakes his inner demons away, bringing himself back to this moment right now. They'll delve into everything later. He doesn't want to bring it up tonight, not with his wife present and content against him.

He pulls her into his chest instead, lets his actions do more than his words can right now. He's still hurting. Still fearful of saying the wrong thing, making the wrong move. He can't give her all of his forgiveness yet. That's something that will surely take time. But this is helping. Her presence is slowly mending his battered heart.

When they're getting ready for bed, they tiptoe carefully around each other, trying to create the illusion that tonight is just as normal as any other night, even if normal is a foreign concept for them these days. Kate slides into bed beside him, curling her body like a cat underneath the covers, eyes drooping almost as soon as her head hits the pillow.

He lets out a chuckle, the noise causing her eyes to flutter open and find him across the sheets. He lies down on his side, facing her.

"Hmm?" she mumbles.

"I didn't know you were so tired. We could have gone to bed sooner, you know."

She shakes her head against her pillow, eyes a little more alert now as she coasts her hand across the sheets until she meets his skin, curling her fingers around his forearm.

"It was nice to just spend time with you tonight. Haven't done it in a while."

He balances his weight onto his elbows, leaning across the mattress to graze a delicate kiss along her temple, tenderly brushing her chestnut locks away from her face. Her openness she's displayed today sends his feeble heart into overdrive, forcing him to step away from his bruised emotions and look at what is going on in front of him.

She _is_ trying. And that matters more to him than anything.

"Agreed. Get some sleep," he whispers against her cheek, smoothing a hand down her arm. She relaxes, succumbing to her exhaustion within minutes. He follows soon after.


	5. chapter four

Just two days later, Kate is meeting Rick at Dr. Burke's office. She beats him there, so she checks them in and takes a seat in the corner of the waiting room. Only a few minutes later does her husband drops into the chair beside her.

"Hey," she says, giving his arm a squeeze before dropping her hand back into her lap. He smiles at her, opens his mouth to say something, but Dr. Burke is beckoning them into his office, cutting him off.

"Hey, you two," the doctor greets gently, shaking both of their hands, motioning to the two chairs facing his own. He doesn't waste any time getting their session started. "So, what brings you both in?"

Rick looks to Kate, allowing her to answer the question.

"I don't really know where to start," she admits. Burke nods understandingly, balancing his notepad on his crossed leg.

"Okay," he concedes, "How about we begin with what you believe catapulted you both into coming here? Kate, you tell me your side of things, and then Rick, you will do the same."

"It was almost two weeks ago now," Kate starts after a moment. "I made dinner for us, because things have been really rocky lately. I just thought maybe if we spent a night together then things would get back to normal. But Rick didn't show up. Not until three hours later. He was out of town for a book signing, but he didn't tell me his flight got delayed." She draws in a breath that rattles her heart against her ribcage, causing an ache to radiate through her bones. "So we fought. He accused me of cheating, because of how little I've been home lately. That was kind of the breaking point for me. What hurt the most. I would never do that, and I never dreamed that he would ever accuse me of it. So I left."

"Okay." The doctor finishes writing his notes before looking up at Rick, giving him a nod. "Why don't you recount your side of the story?"

Rick pauses, licking his lips as he gathers his jumbled thoughts. "I got home from an appearance around nine that night. I didn't expect Kate to be there when I got home, so I didn't bother telling her my flight was delayed. She was irritated by me coming home late, not telling her, I don't know. That's when I snapped. I was upset that she could come home at whatever hour without so much as a text letting me know, but when I do it, she's mad. Like she said, we fought and she left."

"Did you come back?" Burke directs the question to Kate.

She shakes her head, focuses her gaze on the floor. "Not until a couple days ago."

"Rick," the doctor interjects, "What were your initial thoughts when Kate said she was leaving?"

"I accused her of running like she always does," Rick opens up, but his voice sounds solemn, and Kate looks up to find his uncertain gaze lingering on her.

"Do you think that she was really running?" Burke digs.

Rick faces the doctor again and shrugs. "It's happened plenty before."

"How many years has it been, Rick?" Kate interrupts, voice strained with hurt, making her eyes dark, almost mournful. "More than you're giving me credit for and you know it."

"Doesn't change the fact that you did it again."

Dr. Burke clears his throat, holding up a hand to halt their verbal sparring. He looks to Rick, whose face is a mixture of annoyance and sadness both.

"It's clear that you're still carrying around some hurt from the earlier years of your relationship."

"Well I didn't realize I still needed to be afraid of her leaving whenever things get tough." He can see his wife swiping a tear away out of the corner of her eye, but this is what therapy is for, right? To hash out all of their problems.

"Perhaps she wasn't so much as running as distancing herself from the problem," Burke supplies.

"I'm not the problem," Rick defends.

"You aren't. But fighting is a problem, am I correct?"

He nods, but argues, "I'm not really sure how running from the problem or distancing herself from it are any different. It wasn't different every other time she ran from me."

"Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation?" Burke asks.

Rick furrows his brow, a little thrown by the question that has nothing to do with their conversation, but he answers it nonetheless. "Yeah. Of course."

"And what did you do?"

Ah. Now he gets it. "I removed myself from the situation."

"Do you see how it's not really that different?"

"I see your point. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less or worry me that it's always going to be this way."

"I completely understand. It took time to get you to stop worrying about it before, am I right?" Rick dips his head in confirmation, so the doctor continues. "It will be the same way this time. But maybe, to help heal the emotional wound, try to look at it more positively. Less like the previous times she's done it."

"I don't really know how that's possible."

"How often have you been fighting?"

"Nearly every time we are both at home," Kate fills in quietly, unsure of whether or not she's allowed to talk yet.

"Kate, do you think you two would have made this appointment if you hadn't left?"

"No, I don't."

"Rick?"

"I don't think so either."

"Kate, you said you went back home a couple of days ago. Did Rick ask you to come back?"

"No. I called him first."

"See, Rick. That's how it's possible. If she wanted to leave for good, she wouldn't have called you. Old wounds from early in the relationship aren't easy to heal, especially when something comes along that reminds you of them, but there are other ways to look at things. If she hadn't left, you two wouldn't be here. You would still be fighting. Still hurting each other."

"I suppose so," Rick supplies after a moment's thought. He scrapes his fingers through his hair. He understands what Burke is saying, he does. If Kate hadn't left, they would still be stuck in a destructive cycle, slowly tearing their marriage apart. But still, it's hard to be grateful for something that caused him so much pain. But he'll try. For the sake of their relationship, he will try.

"Now Kate, you mentioned Rick accusing you of cheating. Why do you think that is?" Burke's tone is the complete opposite of accusatory, and she's reminded why she always appreciated him as her therapist.

"He said I'm never home. Even when he isn't traveling for his books, I'm still not there."

"You look like you agree with him. You're not home a lot."

"No," she recognizes. "I'm not. It's just- I don't know."

"What is it?" Rick demands softly.

Her watery eyes meet his, shoulders heavy with guilt. "I was so good at being a detective. I was afraid of failing at something else. Something more. You have always portrayed me as invincible and extraordinary. I didn't want to disappoint anybody, especially you."

"Kate," Rick chokes out, wants to say more, but Burke holds his hand up, halting him.

"So you felt that putting all of your time into your job, you would ultimately excel at it. But in the meantime, you put your marriage on the back burner."

She nods, voice thick with the weight of what she's ultimately done to them. "I'm sorry," she rasps, desolate eyes falling on her husband. "I didn't realize what I was doing to you. To us."

He says nothing, but gives her a softhearted smile, eyes brimming with a tender forgiveness that she hasn't witnessed in a long while.

"When couples schedule a session with me, I can assume it's usually for a few reasons, but tell me if I'm wrong," Burke forges ahead. "One reason is general communication issues, such as a lack of understanding each other, as well as not discussing problems. Another reason is a lack of emotional affection. Or in simpler terms, a lack of love, affection, and intimacy. Do you two believe that these are problems you are dealing with?" Both Rick and Kate nod, indicating that those are indeed obstacles they're facing right now. "Now, sometimes married couples seek therapy not to mend their relationship, but to get help splitting amicably."

"That's not why we're here," Kate blurts, a little defensively. She chances a glance at her husband, finds him nodding in agreement, feels the burden weighing her mangled heart down let up a bit when he tosses her a meaningful smile. They're not splitting up, and they're both ferociously stubborn about the fact. Bruised hearts or not.

"That's what I wanted to be completely sure of. Now, it seems like one thing you've both been struggling with is finding time for your relationship. Not necessarily finding time for each other, but _really_ putting aside time without any outside distractions to give your marriage the time and nurturing it needs to preserve it. You've gotten to the point of existing with one another but not actually living."

"I never looked at it that way," Rick admits, looking to his wife who gives him a sheepish smile, letting him know he's not alone in that.

"Of course you didn't. Otherwise you wouldn't be here," Burke says kindly, and the tension in the room slightly dissipates as the pair across from him chuckles softly. "It's clear that you two are still deeply in love and that you want to mend your relationship. But you can't do that with all the other distractions going on around you. Life is constantly moving. So I'd like to suggest you take a pause."

"A pause?" Kate repeats.

The doctor nods. "I think you two should look into spending a weekend at a couples retreat." Both of their eyebrows raise in unison, because that's really the last thing they imagined he would suggest. "I have one that I refer many couples to. Sometimes after they come back from the retreat they don't even continue sessions with me. I'll give you the website so you can look further into it, but I think it's exactly what you two need. You'll have a coach there who will do everything I would do here if you chose not to go on the retreat. The ultimate goal is to focus on each other, and use the techniques you learn over the weekend even after the retreat is over. It's a good way to get away from real life for a little bit, and focus solely on your relationship."

"That actually sounds… really nice," Kate confesses. Her husband's fingers dust over her own, gathering her attention, and when she turns to look at him she finds his lips cracked wide open in an assured smile. Her face softens with relief, eyes still a little glassy.

"I think so too," he says, more to her than to Burke, but the therapist doesn't mind.

"That's the end of our session," he interrupts softly. They all stand, shaking hands in goodbye, the doctor slipping Rick a card with information about the couples retreat, before he and Kate leave the office. Kate stays close to her husband's side, her shoulder brushing his arm with every step they take, must feel just as hollowed out as he does.

"Are you hungry?" she asks softly, a little hesitantly, outside the elevator doors. They slide open, allowing the pair to step in. He hits the ground floor button. "I'm not ready to go home yet."

"Me neither," he says, unconsciously skims his fingers down her spine, doesn't like how fatigued she looks. He's sure he looks the same, the therapy session gutting him, even if they didn't cover a whole lot. She slants into him, a tired sigh falling out of her lips. The elevator hits the ground floor and he coils his hand at her elbow, tripping down her arm until he's able to tangle their fingers together. A small smile curls at the corner of her mouth, lighting up his insides.

He weaves them through the foot traffic, has his sights set on a little corner grill up the block. Kate seems content to let him lead, long legs keeping up with his steady strides. She lets out a hum in appreciation when they step inside the restaurant, scent overload, and keeps herself tucked against his side while he gets them a table. He reluctantly lets go of her hand when they sit down, giving it one last squeeze before he does.

"What are you getting?" she asks a few moments later, after they've ordered water to drink.

"The club sandwich sounds good. You?"

"Mm, I've been eyeing someone's chicken caesar salad a couple tables away. Might get that."

He lets out a chuckle, has always found it cute that Kate surveys the tables around her to check out what other people are eating, see what looks good. He wonders if it's a cop thing, to always be aware of her surroundings, or if it's something she picked up when she was younger. Or a little bit of both. The young waiter comes, getting their orders and gathering their menus.

"Therapy has always left me feeling like I've just been split open," she murmurs a moment later, finger fiddling with her straw. Her solemn eyes lift to his.

"I'm sorry," he tells her, watches her eyes widen just slightly in surprise. "I didn't mean to make you cry in there."

"Hey, no. Don't say you're sorry. I can handle it. It's just hard, knowing that things I did even before we were together still haunt you. That's not your fault. I've done plenty of things lately to hurt you. I'm so sorry for that."

He nods, drops his eyes to the table. She's right. He knows she is. But he hates to see her cry. Hates it even more when he's the reason for it, but she is right, and he has to continue to be honest with her, no matter how much it stings. That's the only way to get back to how they used to be.

"What do you think about this couples retreat thing?" he asks after a moment of tense silence.

"I really want to look into it. If you do," she adds on quickly, an afterthought.

"Me too. It would be nice to get away together. Work on things without distractions."

"I had considered asking you if you wanted to leave town for a weekend," Kate admits. "But I knew we would either end up at the cabin or the Hamptons, and I kind of want somewhere with no previous memories. Just a place to start a new chapter, you know? So I'm glad Burke suggested a retreat. I didn't even think about it."

Rick nods. "I know exactly what you mean. It'll be like a mini-vacation, but the entire focus is on our relationship."

He bounces a little in his seat with enthusiasm and it's enough to make her laugh, the sound easing both of their scrambled emotions. Their food comes then, so Rick shifts the conversation to something else, something lighter.

* * *

Kate wakes with a jerk, glancing at the glowing numbers on her alarm clock. 12:17 glares back at her and she sighs, rolling onto her back, tilting her head to her left to check on her husband-

But he isn't there.

She sits up, scrubbing at her eyes. The sound of his fingers tapping along his keyboard float into their bedroom. Must have been his clicking that woke her up. She slides out of bed, padding her way into the office, stopping in the doorway, taking a moment to watch him.

"Hey," he murmurs, not even drawing his eyes away from his computer screen.

"Hey," she replies, humor lacing her tone. She thought she was quiet enough, but apparently not. "What are you doing?"

"Researching," he answers, extending an arm to beckon her over. He encases her waist, holding her close against his desk chair. He tilts the laptop screen up so she can see what he's looking at.

She flashes her eyes down to him, eyebrow quirked in amusement. He's researching the couples retreat at nearly 12:30 a.m. Silly man.

"Couldn't sleep." Rick shrugs. "Figured I could at least do the research and give you the rundown tomorrow."

"Give me the rundown now?" she suggests. "But in bed."

He grins at her, eyes beaming in appreciation, and she leads him back to their bedroom. He slips under the covers and props himself up against the headboard, waits for his wife to get comfortable beside him before he opens the laptop back up.

"We can rent a mountain chalet - which is basically a cabin," he supplies when her brow wrinkles in confusion. "I'm thinking we could leave on Friday, come back Sunday? Unless you want to stay longer. But I think that's a pretty good time frame, right? Won't interfere with much."

"That's perfect. I'll get Friday off for it."

"Okay." He grins, clicks on a different tab on the webpage. "This page explains what the retreat does for us as a couple, what happens on the retreat, what we can expect, all that. Like Burke told us, we attend coaching sessions, about an hour and a half to two hours each day. If we want more time, we can get it. Our coach will give us assignments designed for us as individuals and a couple that we do during our private time. There's no distractions there, you know, like TVs. I kind of like that."

"I do too," Kate concurs.

"They have trails to hike. We can have a campfire one night. They have a spa too, if you're interested. The purpose of the retreat is to reconnect emotionally, better our communication. Other things it listed that we should be able to do better by the end of the weekend is to resolve issues as a cooperative team, and release the need for one of us to be right and the other to be wrong. Which I think we have issues with sometimes too, but that's okay. Can't be the only ones with these problems if it's on this website, huh?"

Kate giggles, can't help it. She loves this man, his eagerness to try new things, even if the reasons behind said things are dark, painful even. He's helping them move forward by being optimistic. She just wants to capture this moment, hold it close to her heart, how confident and promising he is about their relationship.

"What?" he asks, breaking her trance. She shakes her head, clearing her mind of the mushy thoughts. Her cheeks heat when she realizes she was staring at him.

"Nothing," she tells him, runs a hand through his mussed hair when he gives her a disapproving glare. Right. Communication is key. "You just- thank you. For being so positive."

"How else would I be?"

"You could be negative, could refuse to go on this retreat, especially after everything that's happened. But you're not. Your optimism is something that made me fall in love with you. I really appreciate it."

"I want us to get back to normal too, Kate," he tells her tenderly. "Don't thank me for having faith in us. In you."

She feels her throat clogging up, nods, doesn't trust her voice anymore. He closes his laptop, setting it on his nightstand before pulling her under the covers with him, lips whispering along her hairline.

"We can book it tomorrow when we wake up," she says into their pitch-black room, when she knows she can speak without her voice trembling from the overwhelming onslaught of emotions she feels in her chest, just waiting to be set free.

"We? Don't you have to work?"

"Nope. Took the day off."

His body relaxes a little bit more, sinking deeply into the mattress.

"We'll book it," he promises. They fall asleep like that, curled up together in the middle of the bed for the first time in months.

* * *

 _After I posted the last chapter, this story hit the 300 follower mark, and_ _passed 100 reviews. I'm seriously so amazed by the encouragement I've been getting. Thank you thank you thank you._

 _Also, super huge gigantic thank you to Evan for talking through this story with me when I'm stuck. You gave me so many ideas that I'm ecstatic about, and I couldn't be more grateful for that, or the countless times you read/helped edit this chapter. This one's for you._


	6. chapter five

Kate is gently roused from her slumber by her husband's hand on her shoulder. She peeks one eye open, looking at him from the passenger's seat.

"Are we there?" she mumbles.

He huffs out a laugh, smoothing his hand down her arm. "No. Thought maybe we could stop for breakfast though."

She looks out the passenger window and sees a small diner. "Mm. I am hungry."

He waits for her to come to her senses before he climbs out of the car, watching as she raises her arms above her head and arches her spine, letting out a cute noise from the back of her throat.

When they walk into the diner, it is quiet, with a few customers already seated. Kate curls her hand at his elbow; he's noticed she has been extremely gentle with him today. The hostess takes them to their seats, setting two menus down on the table and tells them to have a good meal. He thanks her when his wife doesn't.

"Did you sleep well last night?" he hedges softly. Of the two of them, she's usually the morning person.

He notes a faint blush on her cheeks as she dips her head.

"Not really," she tells him, grabbing a menu. Their waitress comes to take their drink orders before he can say any more about it.

Their server - Diane, her name tag reads - is an older woman, pudgy cheeks and all, with gentle eyes and a surprising southern accent.

"Good morning," she greets, a genuine smile plastered on her face. "What can I get the two of you to drink?"

"I'll have a coffee," Kate says, lips upturned. "And a water, too. Thanks."

Diane looks to Rick and he orders the same as his wife, thanking her before she goes.

"What's wrong?" Rick asks Kate after a moment of silence, closing his menu.

"Nothing," she answers too quickly. He shoots her an exasperated look for pushing her feelings aside, and her mouth curves into an apologetic smile. "I'm just anxious."

"About this weekend," he finishes for her when she doesn't continue. Kate nods, shutting her menu as well.

Diane comes back with their drinks and sets down a bowl of different creamers in the middle of the table.

"What are you anxious about?" Rick inquires after Diane has taken their orders.

Kate sighs, dumping a couple of sugar packets into her coffee. "What if it doesn't help?"

"You mean the retreat?"

"Yeah. What if we get there and do all of this work and nothing changes?"

He reaches across the table to snag her fingers, holding them tightly between his own. "Things will change."

"Why are you so sure?"

"Because I know how I feel. I know that I will do everything I can to make our marriage better for us. And you will too. Know why I think that?"

She shakes her head, eyes glistening, once again taken by his blunt optimism.

"Because you're scared that things won't get better. You're worried about us, our marriage, and that right there tells me that you would be just as crushed if we could never get back to how things used to be. But we will, okay? We will."

She regards him quietly for a moment before her lips crack into a smile. He dusts a kiss across her knuckles, then lets her go to finish preparing her coffee.

"You always know what to say," Kate tells him a moment later.

He shrugs. "Occupational hazard."

That makes her laugh, her whole face splitting open with joy, and he beams at her. The sun is angled just right through the blinds, basking her in a delicate glow and he captures the image in his mind of how happy she is right now, silently vowing to keep her this happy for many, many years to come.

* * *

She stays awake for the remainder of the three and a half hour drive north. Huffing in defeat after fiddling with the radio multiple times, she plugs in her phone, turns on the playlist they created together for road trips to the cabin or the Hamptons. They talk some, mostly light conversation, because it seems that there's an unspoken agreement not to hash out any of their underlying problems until they meet their coach at the retreat and can really begin to delve into everything.

Rick flicks his blinker on and takes the exit that leads to a long road in an almost empty town. They're on the road for ten minutes before he takes a left and they're suddenly engulfed in a sea of trees, leaves fluttering in the breeze. Kate reaches for the button to open the sunroof and sighs contently when the fresh summer air fills the car, eliciting a small grin from her husband.

They arrive at a large wood cabin with a gravel parking lot. Rick swings into one of the many open spots and cuts the engine.

"We made it," he exclaims, head swiveling to look at the seemingly endless forest surrounding them. Kate can't help but think _I hope so_. There is still a lot of work to do before they can really say they made it, but he wasn't talking about their relationship. She climbs out of the car, cuing him to do the same.

She follows him into the building, letting him take care of getting them checked in. An older lady comes out of a back office and introduces herself as Chris, the owner of the retreat, as well as their coach. She's petite in size with a kind smile and worn skin, probably nearing her sixties.

"Here are your keys," Chris says, eyes bright, glancing between the two of them with a small grin like she knows something they don't. "Let's get your luggage and I'll show you to your chalet, then give you a small tour of the grounds."

They grab their luggage from the car while Chris gets a golf cart. Rick opts to take the back seat and just listen to his wife and their 'healer' - as he as labeled the older woman in his mind - discuss the history of the land.

It takes less than ten minutes for them to get to their chalet, that is just along a trail through the trees. They grab their things while Chris unlocks the door.

The interior is wide open with a glamorous kitchen full of granite countertops and stainless steel appliances. There is a large fireplace that Kate imagines gets a lot of use during the winter. The furniture is cozy, a perfect combination of earthy tones and pops of color scattered about. The master is upstairs, almost like a loft, but a slightly more private. The king bed looks incredibly comfortable, and Kate finds herself wanting to curl up and take a nap in it right now, but Chris is already ushering them downstairs to talk about their schedule.

"You will have one session with me later this evening, just as an introduction. We'll go over the basics of things, and then I will send you off with a little homework. Easy stuff to improve communication, build trust, or whatever I think would benefit you both as individuals and as partners. We'll plan a time for a session tomorrow."

"How long do you suggest that one be?" Kate interrupts.

"For couples who are staying for only a weekend, I recommend two hours. And then on Sunday, since check-out isn't until four p.m., we could do an hour or two then depending on what you two feel you might need. I'll leave that up to you."

They both in acknowledgement.

"Now, how about I take you to my coaching office? It's walking distance from here, just a few minutes away, but we'll take the cart. After that, I'll show you the trails, the spa, and then I'll bring you back here. In the drawer just left of the fridge there is a book that shows you all the restaurants within a twenty mile radius, as well as grocery stores in case you want to eat here. A lot of couples choose to do that because it's easier to work on their relationship in private."

"Wonderful," Rick says, gesturing to the door. "Show us the way."

The grounds are beautiful. Perfect landscaping, hundreds of trees. The lake is just a two minute walk from their chalet. Everything is close enough to walk and enjoy nature, and she can see why Dr. Burke recommends this place to his clients.

Chris drops them back off at their chalet a little over an hour later, allowing them time to get unpacked and settled in before their session with her.

"We should get groceries," Rick suggests from her side, flipping through the book with all of their food options. She hums in agreement and watches him type a supermarket address into his phone.

"Probably after our session, right? We have to leave here in a little bit for that."

He nods, moving to the living room and plops down onto the couch, patting the cushion beside him.

"Would you like to walk down to the lake tonight?" Rick suggests, hopeful eyes finding hers. She smiles at him.

"I would love that."

The session with Chris is similar to that of Burke's, mostly just outlining their problems recently, what lead them to seeking counseling for their marriage, as well as telling Chris the problems they've had in the past.

Her homework for them tonight is to sit face-to-face with one another for fifteen minutes and talk about what they want in their relationship, what they're afraid of, and how they feel about any hurts they've received from each other.

One of Chris's lines resonates within Kate. _Hardened rage around the heart_ , or carrying old wounds in the relationship. The smallest things, whether just a sarcastic tone or simply shutting down, can reopen the wounds easily, making their past issues come up over and over again.

It makes Kate sad to think that the things she did back before there even was a _them_ still haunt her husband, that he still carries around insecurities when it comes to their relationship. She thought that because he had forgiven her long ago, he didn't carry any of the hurt still. But she couldn't have been more wrong, and now she sees how it applies to not only the things she did, but him as well.

They're quiet on the drive into town to get groceries, hearts still bleeding a little from opening back up again. His eyes are dark, a raging storm caught up in the cerulean depths, and she doesn't know what to say to him. Kate is relying on their talk tonight to break up the clouds. When they walk into the grocery store his fingers tangle with hers and she feels the knot in her chest loosen slightly. She holds on tight, keeping him close even as he steers them through the aisles.

She catches him throwing an obscene amount of cookies into the basket and attempts to smother her smile.

"Castle," she says gently, glancing between the three packages of cookies and the shelf. "Do you really think we need all of those?"

His brow furrows, contemplating her question. A sigh falls out of his lips and he shakes his head, putting two packages back.

"I suppose not."

He looks genuinely put out by her questioning him, making her heart stutter in shame. She didn't mean to make him feel like she's reprimanding him. But a mischievous grin cracks on his lips and she laughs at him when he wiggles his eyebrows at her. The surprise lifts her heart up, reminding her how easy things can be; it's almost like they never really changed.

* * *

Kate trails closely behind Rick on the path that leads them to the lake while watching the wildlife around them. It's getting late now and the trees silhouette the sky above them.

The trees break and the lake lays before them with light ripples and bubbles from the fish underneath coating the surface. Rick leads them to the dock and spreads out the blanket they brought from the cabin over the wood planks. She sits across from him, folding her legs and letting her knees touch his as they were instructed to do.

"Okay," he says a little awkwardly. She can't help but giggle at the situation, watching his face split open too. It helps, laughing about it. It's been a long day and they're emotionally exhausted, but they have to keep pushing through no matter how foreign this all feels.

"I can start if you want," Kate volunteers after they've gathered themselves. He nods, smiling gratefully at her. She takes out her phone and sets the timer for fifteen minutes. "Something that I want from this relationship, from you, is to feel supported."

"Supported," he repeats, brow furrowing, confusion and a little bit of hurt coloring his eyes. "You don't feel like that?"

"I used to," she tells him, real beginning to hate how each word that comes out of her mouth makes his face crumble just a fraction more. So she explains. "You used to surprise me at work, bring me coffee, drop off lunch and eat with me. Even before I was promoted, I always felt like you were there and I could tell you anything. It was just the little things you did for me. And then you stopped."

"But that goes both ways," Rick states, absentmindedly twirling his ring around his finger with his thumb. "You got promoted and I was trying, but I felt like you weren't."

Kate drops her gaze, feeling shame crawl up her chest, gripping her heart like a vice. She wishes a simple apology could fix this; mend all the unintentional hurts they've caused each other. His fingers lace with hers and she looks back up at him, meeting his understanding eyes.

"You're not the only one at fault," he reminds her gently, determinedly. "What I want from you is to feel like you care about me more than your work. I love your drive, your passion, but I just wish you would take some of that and use it with us."

Kate draws in a shaky breath, eyes stinging. He's right, he is, and it _hurts_.

"My biggest fear," Kate says, stuttering over her words, afraid to reveal her biggest insecurity to the man who is her everything. "My biggest fear is that you'll get tired of fighting for this."

"Kate." He croaks, grabbing her by the forearms and dragging her body into his own. She goes easily, a shaky sigh falling from her lips. "Kate."

She buries her face into his neck, having trouble remembering the last time she allowed him to hold her or the last time he tried.

"We've made such a mess of things," he whispers into her ear, voice laced with grief and amusement both. Kate gasps out a laugh that sounds more like a sob. "I won't, though," he tells her after a moment. "I spent years fighting for you. Don't forget that."

She lifts her eyes to his, brushing the pad of her thumb across the thin skin beneath his lashes.

"I love you so much," she tells him. His shoulders relax considerably and he leans forward to capture her mouth with his, a bruising, fervent thing that steals the breath from her lungs. His fingers bump along her ribs, lighting her skin on fire through the fabric of her shirt. It's the first time they've been this intimate in so long, _too long_.

Her phone timer goes off, jolting them both. Kate flashes him a shy smile as she stops the timer.

"Well, that was the most rewarding homework I've ever done."

Kate throws her head back with laughter, eyes sparkling as much as the water surrounding them. His heart stutters in his chest, her happiness knocking the wind out of him. They are really going to be okay.

* * *

 _I'm so so sorry for how long this took. It feels like these past two weeks have completely flown by. I've been writing when I could. Sadly, it wasn't enough for a quick update._

 _Major shoutout to Evan for constantly reminding me to write and for spending hours doing edits with me. I don't know what I would do without you._

 _I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I would love to hear your thoughts._


	7. chapter six

Kate stretches on the front porch of their cabin before she heads inside, just getting back from early yoga. It's warm out, not humid, but surprisingly pleasant actually. Birds are chirping happily, greeting the rising sun. A new day with her husband; the idea brings a smile to her face.

When she gets inside the cabin she's surprised to find Rick already up. He's sitting at the breakfast bar munching on some toast, showered and ready for the day.

"Hey," she greets happily. But when he turns to look at her, he's anything but happy. She nearly takes a step back at the dark scowl he wears.

"Where have you been?" he bites.

"I, uh. I went to the early bird yoga class. You were still asleep, so I just- I guess I didn't think to tell you."

"We're supposed to be here together. This whole thing is about us. Our relationship. Two people, Kate."

"It was just _yoga_."

"That's not the point. We're supposed to be here _together_. You can't just leave me here to wake up alone, completely clueless as to where you are or when you'll be back."

"I thought you would still be asleep by the time I got back. Rick, it's not a big deal. Please? Just drop it."

"Yeah. Drop it like everything else these past two months. Look where that got us."

"I really don't what to fight," she tells him, shoulders slumped. The sweat on the back of her neck is drying, making her shiver when the air conditioner kicks on. His eyes assess her for a moment before he huffs, turning away wordlessly.

She dumps the keys on the counter and heads to the master to take a shower. If she had known he would get that upset over her not leaving a note or at least telling him she planned on going to a yoga class, she wouldn't have left him in the dark. But she really did _not_ think it was a big deal. She understands why he is upset. The past couple of months they haven't been communicating with each other, but Kate didn't think this would disrupt the steady progress they've been making.

She flicks the shower on and lets the water warm while she peels off her sweat-damp clothes, carelessly tossing them into the corner. The room is billowing with steam after a minute and Kate steps under the spray, closing her eyes, letting the spray relax her tense muscles. Just another bump in the road; that's all this is.

* * *

She's dressed and ready for their therapy appointment, but she doesn't want to face Rick. She's standing in front of the bedroom window mindlessly spinning her wedding band around her finger when the door slowly creaks open and she realizes she doesn't really have a choice. He pokes his head in, lips quirking up in something that resembles a smile but doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"You about ready?" he asks. She's pleased to find that he doesn't sound so angry with her anymore. It loosens the knot that's wound tightly in her chest. She nods, grabbing her sunglasses on her way out of the bedroom.

His hand falls to her back, guiding her out the front door. The air is tense between the two of them, thicker than the humidity, and she hates that it's so easy to fall back into the uncertainty they've been drowning in for weeks. However, there's one thing that's different this time. She's not just going to let it go like all of the previous fights they've had. She grabs his wrist and brings them to a halt. His eyes are questioning.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly, keeping his wrist hostage. "I wasn't thinking about how you might feel if you woke up and I was gone. You have to understand that I wouldn't do anything to hurt our relationship more than I already-"

"Wait, wait. It's not only you. This has been on the both of us. I overreacted this morning. I woke up and it felt like every other day I've woken up without you. I guess some part of me was just hoping this weekend would be different."

"I'm-"

He presses his lips to hers, silencing her apologies. "I know."

She nods, tangling her fingers with his and pulling him back along the path. They'll talk about this in their therapy session she's sure. They need to. It's another one of those problems that seem so minuscule when it happens but it just keeps adding to the snowball, getting bigger and bigger as it rolls down a steep hill until it finally crashes and crumbles apart, and that's what they're trying to prevent.

* * *

The session drains them both. They're silent afterwards, fingers brushing occasionally as they head back to the cabin for lunch. Kate watches him out of the corner of her eye as they stroll along the path. Even though he's said it - multiple times at that - she still doesn't feel like he's totally forgiven her for this morning. And Chris had assured Kate that old wounds aren't something that can be healed with just a few sincere apologies. Her husband is the type of person who finds meaning even in the littlest things. And Kate knows that, she does. He needs more than words. He needs actions. Maybe she can give him that.

"Hey," she says softly, snagging two fingers in his belt loop to pull him closer. His eyes brighten at that, flicking down to her fingers for a moment.

"Hi."

A chuckle bubbles out of her. She loves that he loves her touches. It really is the little things with him.

"Do you want to pack our lunch and take it down to the lake?"

"A picnic with my wife? Absolutely."

His smile is contagious, blue eyes sparkling with a true happiness she's been seeking all day after she hurt him this morning. It makes her chest constrict and she steps into the broad expanse of his chest, wrapping her arms tightly around his middle.

"Oh," he breathes, keeping her snug against him.

She stays there for a moment, letting his embrace ease the fist that has her heart in a chokehold. He lets her hug him for as long as she needs, accepting the gentle kiss she gives him when she pulls away.

"Hey, Kate?"

"Hm?" she hums, reaching for his hand and intertwining their fingers, ready to go pack their lunch, but he gives their hands a gentle tug to keep her there.

"I really love you."

"Rick-" She feels tears stinging the back of her eyes and she's hit once again with how grateful she is for this man. "I really love you too."

"Come on," he tells her easily, pulling her in to press a kiss to her head, squishing their joined hands between their bodies. "Let's have a picnic."

* * *

Kate downs the last of her lemonade and smacks her lips together in pleasure. Her husband chuckles beside her and she catches him watching her from the corner of his eye. She presses a kiss to his cheek, using her thumb to clean up the smudge of mayonnaise on the corner of his mouth.

She lays back on the blanket, pushing her sunglasses up to the top of her head, content to watch him finish his second sandwich. They found a spot up on the shore completely shaded by the trees and she really thinks she could take a nap, the sound of the leaves rustling in the wind combined with the warm summer air making her eyes heavy. His free hand falls to her knee, thumb gliding over the soft skin there.

"So," he starts, grabbing her attention. "What do you think about that new exercise Chris gave us?"

"The buzz word?"

Rick nods. The buzz word was a technique to try and diffuse the situation. Chris pointed out that they are going to fight. All couples do. But to keep it from escalating, they can come up with a word to use when they both need to take a step back before talking rationally.

"I think it could be helpful," Kate starts. "Not even just now, but in the future too. We've had some fights that probably could have been taken down a notch."

He winces at that, his face falling. She sits up, dancing her fingers at his nape. He just did a complete 180; one second he was fine and now his features are crumbling right in front of her eyes.

"Rick?"

"It just hurts."

"What does?" she probes softly.

"Thinking about how much we've fought and how bad it's gotten. I never wanted that for us."

"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, shh. You're fine."

"I don't want you to be upset."

She scoots closer to him, a sigh of relief escaping when his arm encases her waist and he allows her to curl up next to him.

"Do you want to have one? A buzz word?" she asks gently after a moment.

"I think we should."

"Okay, we will. You pick."

"Apples," he says.

She barks out a laugh at that, slapping him in the chest. "Rick."

"What? I'm serious!" he tells her, facing cracking open into a smile.

"Your safe word is _not_ going to be our buzz word."

"Why not? It diffused the tension just now."

"Because when I'm mad at you, I don't want to think about having sex with you."

"But make up sex."

She claps a hand over his mouth, shaking her head. He grumbles into her palm before pressing a kiss to it. She removes her hand slowly, eyeing him warily.

"You pick a word," he says.

"No, you're the writer. Words are your thing."

"Fine. Cherries?"

"Cherries works for me."

"It's settled then." He taps his lips with his index finger. "Seal it with a kiss."

She rolls her eyes, but she's grinning when their lips meet.

* * *

He finds Kate in the en suite removing her makeup. He leans against the doorframe, content to watch her, but she pauses when she spots him in the mirror.

"What's up?"

She goes back to scrubbing at her eyes to get all the mascara off and he smiles. She's cute. Looks like a raccoon, but still cute.

"Just wanted to remind you about the homework Chris gave us."

"Pillow talk?"

He nods, pushing off the doorframe to brush his teeth. If she's getting ready for bed, he might as well too.

"We used to do that a lot," Kate comments from beside him, tossing her make-up wipe in the garbage. "I mean, not as a therapy exercise. But you know."

"I'm glad Chris mentioned it. I liked our pillow talks."

"Me too," she agrees.

They finish getting ready for bed together before sliding between the sheets, meeting in the middle of the mattress. The only light in the room is the moon casting shadows across the furniture.

"We should figure out what we want to do when we get back to the city," Kate suggests, a little timid all of a sudden and she isn't quite sure why. Her husband must sense it because he scoots closer, running his hand up and down her arm, a trail of goosebumps following.

"Weekly date nights," he says, as if he's been thinking about it. He probably has, she realizes.

"Yes," she says on a sigh. "I miss that."

"Mm. I do too. What else do you want to make a habit when we get home?"

"Calling if we'll be late," she says, eyes apologetic, because that's mostly on her. He gives her a smile that she can barely make out in the moonlight, but she knows it's there nonetheless. "And leaving a note if we'll be gone before the other wakes up."

His lips find hers, erasing the guilt before it can even make itself known.

"Both good. Telling each other if we are angry or upset, instead of letting it fester, no matter how irrational it may seem."

"Using the buzz word," she adds on a yawn, blinking away the fatigue that is finally catching up to her. "And pillow talks."

Rick laughs softly and brushes a stray hair from her face.

"Sleep, Kate," he whispers. She goes to protest but he shushes her, rolling to his back and allowing her to curl up against his side like he knows she loves. Her breathing evens out and as he looks back on their day, he feels better about where they are headed.

* * *

 _I apologize deeply for how long it took to update this story. After the last update, life was crazy busy. I went to the library today to study, but last night's episode inspired me and I spent four hours writing this chapter instead._

 _I hope to update much more frequently now that I'm back into the groove of school and such. I would absolutely love to hear what you thought._

 _Thank you so much for reading._


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